Every now and then someone contacts me asking for advice on how to last longer. “My girlfriend says I come too soon! Please help me!!!”
I’m not a bloke, and I have absolutely no idea how to make your erection last longer. In my experience some men last for a few minutes, others last for quite some time. I’ve been told you can think of England, or in fact anything at all – enough to take your mind off the job without actually wilting.
Women talk to each other about sex, probably more often and in more detail than men realise. We have a word for a man who lasts for ages. He’s a grinder. As you may be able to tell, this is not a complimentary term. Women, in general, hate them. (There are always the exceptions, but I’ll get to that.) A man who grinds away for ages is rarely a pleasant experience for a woman.
Male mythology and bad American porn has set up an ideal that lasting for hours is somehow a good thing. No, it isn’t, not usually.
One of the best lovers I ever had came almost as soon as he slid into me. He lasted probably less than a minute. Another man who visited me recently lasted about as long and was almost as good.
Many men equate lasting for ages with being a good lover. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Back to the young man who wanted advice on how to last longer.
Men have an incredible capacity to compartmentalise. Sex isn’t working, so you ask about sex. A relationship isn’t working so you want to know about relationships. A car engine doesn’t work so you know it has to be one of the pieces of metal (you can tell I’m not a mechanic) must be broken.
Human relationships, and that includes sex, are not a type of machine. They flow over into each other all the time. You have a bad day at work, so you snap at the wife when you walk in the door, even though the two situations have nothing to do with each other.
How fast you come is totally irrelevant – luckily – because there is this wonderful thing called foreplay.
“I know about foreplay!”
I know you do darling. You play with my boobs for a while, you can probably find my clit by now, I’m wet, so off we go. Lots of fun.
Foreplay is your entire relationship with the woman you want to have sex with.
Another lover – also from many years ago – would take me out to dinner. This was the 1980s, in Melbourne, when the city had possibly the best restaurants in the country. I would dress up to go out, thinking about him removing those same garments (foreplay). He would call to collect me, perhaps kiss me slowly (foreplay). In the car his hand might casually touch my thigh (foreplay). We would talk over dinner about mutual interests and plans (foreplay). His foot might rub against mine under the table (foreplay). As we walked to the car his hand would be at the base of my spine (foreplay).
By the time we’d get home at the end of an already delightful, sexy, incredibly arousing dinner, those clothes I’d so carefully dressed in a couple of hours before would disappear very quickly.
Contrast this to a more recent outing which was long the lines of “Feel like a counter meal at the pub? Oh, and by the way, my daughter and her husband are coming too. And their three-year-old. Don’t change, you’ll be fine in jeans.”
Nothing in the way the second guy treated me created any sort of inducement for sex later on in the evening.
Ringing any bells yet?
Back to the young guy who wanted to last longer. I told him to look at his whole relationship with his girlfriend, but he was totally closed to the concept. To quote him almost verbatim, “I know about relationships, I treat her well, I’m honest.”
Well mate, sorry, but you don’t treat her well, because you don’t give her time to get aroused before you penetrate her. That’s why she’s telling you, “You come too soon.”
To many women the relationship and sex are intertwined. Treat a woman well, and she’ll be far nicer to you in bed. Expect sex as your “right”, take her for granted, insist on sex with your timing and not hers and you’ll get complaints.
I once read that it takes at least 20 minutes to get a woman in the right state to want penetration – and she has to want it otherwise those lovely juices aren’t going to flow for you. If necessary have a clock or your phone near so that you can keep an eye on the time. Take your time. Talk. Caress her slowly, and please don’t just go straight for tits or cunt. Her entire body is an erogenous zone.
Someone else I know who is superb in bed knows there’s a place on the back of my neck that drives me absolutely wild when he kisses it. Other women love having their feet played with. There’s a spot down the side of my breasts, almost under my arms, that I love to have caressed. And someone stroking the top of my breast while I’m wearing a bra, sliding one finger under the lace, is also incredibly erotic. My friend says having her hair played with will always do the trick.
Take your time to explore. She’s a playground of sensuality. Would you buy a bottle of fine Scotch and drain it like it was a cold can of beer on a hot day?
Don’t be afraid to ask her to respond in kind. Men are taught that their sexuality and sensuality reside in their penises, but it is wonderful to be caressed, to have your nipples played with. You’ll only find out if you ask her to explore you.
It’s about mutual exploration and appreciation. Enjoying the build-up of sexual tension.
So far I’ve been talking about relationships, but what about one night stands? What about visiting a lady like me?
The same principles apply. One night is a (very brief) relationship. So is a professional one. She’s still a woman.
If you want to be regarded as a good lover then take your time, enjoy the process. The odds are that she will too.
And then, if you do last for ages, you can be pretty damn sure she’s going to enjoy it too.
Some of the people reading this have already been to see me, and now you’re thinking, does this apply to me?
If you are, stop worrying. The fact that the thought even crossed your mind probably means you’re fine. Plus I’m very aware that I’m not like most women, in that the whole process turns me on. I have a high sex drive, and I long ago took responsibility for my own sexual reactions and my own orgasm after experiencing too many men who were not prepared to look after me in this regard.